Expansion of the Bruck Empire

Although I do not intend to impose any immediate changes in government, either its form or representation, nor do I intend to change any laws regarding taxation, zoning, property rights, nor for that matter civil or criminal code in the fair state of Georgia, I would like to announce to the residents of that state that they are now living in the sovereign territory of Bruck (see this recent column for explanation the basis of my claim).

A young relative recently got married in a suburb of Atlanta, and I stepped away from the rehearsal dinner party late last Friday evening, under the guise of making a phone call. I staked my claim during a dry thunderstorm, which was a little unnerving, as I was repeatedly being exposed, as it were, by frequent “flashes” of lightning.

I suspect that Ted Turner will be a tiny bit miffed at my laying claim to the state that he thought he owned, and so I would like to offer an olive branch. As I mentioned above, I do not have any plans for the foreseeable future to alter the legal or economic makeup of the state, therefore he should encounter no resistance to his plans for using Atlanta as a beachhead for world domination; I only have one dictum, and I really think this is a small thing to ask, and that is to alter slightly the state symbol of a peach to include a portrait of Bruck. And carve it into Stone Mountain.

Really, Georgians should be thankful. After laying claim to Minnesota two months ago, I have changed the University of Minnesota’s new mascot from the Golden Gophers (I’m sure they’re all grateful to be relieved of that ridiculous sobriquet) to the Brown Brucks, preserving the alliteration and adding a degree of sophistication. Oh, and Duluth’s new name is Bruluck.

I’m really on a roll of late: as of this weekend I also have both Carolinas in my back pocket, and of course my claim to Virginia is renewed on at least a weekly basis, so along with Florida, I now own, along with key portions of the midwest and southwest, the entire southern portion of the eastern seaboard.

You might well wonder, how long is my claim going to last, with plenty of others similarly endowed and disposed to make their own claim on my territory? I have considered that, and would like first to clarify the “claim” business, and secondly to propose a confederation.

1) To be valid, a claim must be accompanied by commitment and intent. Blithely spilling one’s fluid offal in a back alley in the garment district does not automatically anoint one to occupy the desk of the Mayor of New York; the claimant must consciously intend to make the claim, and must be willing to honor the commitments pertaining to ownership and government of said claim.

2) The stickier issue is that of competing legitimate claims. Unlike the Homestead Act and the San Francisco gold rush, it’s the most recent claim that’s enforceable, not the first. Therefore, you could go claim Minnesota or Georgia or any other component of Bruck’s portfolio of sovereign territories, and then I’d have to come back and re-claim, a process whose logical conclusion is exhaustion and failed kidneys - a fool’s game at best! Let me propose this instead: if you are inclined to claim territory for yourself, and by all means I encourage this, instead of canceling each others’ claims, why don’t we share them, sort of like a modern-day Caesar’s triumvirate? Of course we’ll have to work out some details later, but do we have a deal? Great!

Okay, I know what you’re thinking, those of you not blessed with Y chromosomes… This little game is stacked in favor of men, who are more adequately equipped for convenient claiming of territory, putting women at a substantial disadvantage. To that I reply, tough bananas. Seriously, you already have near complete control over me as it is! Now you want me to gather my pants about my ankles, squat down, and balance on my heels while enlarging my realm? Forget it!