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Wednesday, December 12, 2007

Fashion Tips from Bruck

We’ve been tackling some tough topics lately, fire, water, Las Vegas, prolific sneezes, so today let’s throttle down a bit and have a nice little chat about style, with the man who speaks authoritatively on this and any other subject.

Black: Why is everyone wearing all black all the time? Wear some colors, okay? I know, it supposedly makes you look slimmer. But guess what, everybody knows that now, so it doesn’t work anymore. Now it’s, why is she wearing black, she’s not fat, or, why is he wearing black, it's not hiding anything.

Matching: if your jacket is made from the same material as your pants, you’re wearing a suit. If your shirt is made from the same material as your pants, you’re wearing pajamas. If your shirt, jacket, and pants are made from the same material, you’re probably driving a low-rider Cadillac with shag carpet interior and fuzzy dice hanging from the mirror.

Those earphones that look like yoyo halves that hang on your ears? Don’t wear them if you’re bald. It looks really really really silly. Really. Like Shrek, only not as cute. And those clip-on bluetooth earpieces for your phone don’t exactly make you look like junior Einstein either, especially when the blue light is blinking - it looks like you're wearing Christmas decoration. Of course if your hair is long enough to cover up the bluetooth earpiece, it's even worse - you look like a homeless schizophrenic having a conversation with thin air.

I did get some advice from a co-worker not too long ago: blue and green, something in between, i.e., don’t put blue and green next to each other. I think I already knew that, but I wasn’t completely aware that I was wearing green. I have a rather limited ability to distinguish colors (and yet, amazingly, am still able to wax authoritatively on this important subject). I do however, have pretty good night vision and a very acute sense of smell, which can be a mixed blessing:

Perfume: if I can smell you across the stadium, that’s too much. Think about it, is your naturally aroma that bad, that somehow a gallon of Eau de East River is going to be an improvement? Okay, I’ll grant an exception for colostomy bag wearers doing aerobics.

The untucked look: I won’t stand in front of the freight train of fashion, so go ahead and wear your casual shirts untucked; in fact, I condone it as a means to compensate for the fact that American youth are getting bulkier, it being one way to make this a bit more presentable. Another benefit is that it facilitates concealed carry; in fact, I have no idea how people carried concealed in casual clothes without untucked shirts.

But speaking of the hemline of the shirt, girls, please, if you think there’s even the slightest chance that you’re too Reubenesque to expose the midsection, trust me, you are, just take my word for it. If your navel can hold anything larger than a grape, please keep some fabric between it and our retinas. You have to be careful about the back hem of your top as well - if you have a Tramp Stamp, i.e., a large, ornate tattoo on your lower back, be aware that it says probably more than you think, and so you are advised to be careful who you’re saying it to. And from a distance it just looks like a clump of dark back hair.

Fashion tips from Bruck: isn’t it great having an engineer with an extra class amateur radio license tell you how to dress? Yet another of the many benefits of being a VOB reader!


  • At 9:15 AM, Anonymous Lynda said…

    Mrs Bruck would probably say I shouldn't encourage you but I think you're hilarious!


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