New Year's Resolutions

On the occasion of the beginning of this year AD 2008,

I, Bruck, hereby resolve to:

Maintain my current high standards of personal hygiene including, but not limited to, regular flossing,

Treat my friends, family, and associates with honor and respect and not order them around too much,

Wear clean underwear,

Not vote for a raving lunatic for president, unless he/she is a really amusing lunatic,

Tip 15% on the restaurant bill (pre-tax) pending good service, unless the waitress's appearance commands a more generous tip,

Pursue continued physical fitness by working out daily on days when I feel like it,

Stay out of the men's room in the basement of the Minneapolis airport,

(This just in - Brittney Spears has lost custody of her two children due to her continued antisocial, non-maternal behavoir, and in doing so has accomplished what many saw as impossible: make Madonna look stable and rational by comparison. We now return you to your regularly scheduled programming.)

Watch "Breakfast at Tiffany's,"

Keep my readers up to date on important issues such as crazed, lovestruck astronauts and upscale prostitution in Washington, DC,

Not make fun of Mormons and Scientologists too much,

Wear matching socks insofar as my limited ability to distinguish colors permits,

Give Mike a call once in a while,

Eat what I kill (spiders excepted),

Give up my seat on the subway to pregnant men or women,

(Important tip for changing your oil filter: be sure to lubricate the gasket by rubbing oil on it before installing the new filter. The manufacturers suggest new oil but old oil will work just fine, provided it is not contaminated with metal shavings. It is also a good idea to slightly loosen the filter periodically while tightening it to relieve any shear stress that may be building up in the gasket.)

Buy some more guns,

Lose 30 pounds and gain it all back,

Refrain from breaking wind on the train, unlike, ahem, some people I know,

Continue to avoid making eye contact with schizophrenics,

Not shoot anybody,

Comply with all applicable terms and provisions of the Hatch Act of 1939,
Have a cold one,

Keep my nose to the grindstone,

Avoid discussing religion and politics with idiots who disagree with me,

Fish,

Come to a full stop, look both ways, and floor it,

Try to be nice to people from Winchester, VA, should I encounter any,

…and will to the best of my ability, preserve, protect and defend the Constitution of the United States.