(Don't) Get Out the Vote!

The midterm elections are right around the corner - have you decided on the candidates and the issues? Are you a Republican? Are you a Democrat? Independent? Green? Red? Have you determined how you're going to use your hard-won suffrage to influence the future of our country and society? Well good for you! But do me a favor, stay home, okay? I would like to respectfully request that everybody in the United States, starting with faithful readers of the VOBNS, not vote.

Yes, you heard me right, don't vote. Your vote won't matter anyway! And besides, it will just be cancelled out by vote fraud. What difference will one vote make? Elections are never decided by one vote - usually the difference is in at least the thousands! Yes, I know there are occasional elections that get decided on a single vote, but hey, if you're feeling that lucky, go buy a lottery ticket instead. Look, Pollyanna, all the elections are rigged anyway - they're controlled by special interests that don't represent yours. Besides, think of all the cool things you could do in the time you save by not voting...

Watch TV, read a book, take a walk, learn to cook, make a list, check it twice, feed the cat, eat some rice. Call a bomb threat at the park, go skinny-dipping after dark, play some cards, rock the boat, whatever you do, just please don't vote! Play some boards, hit the bricks, shoot some pool, pick up chicks, pump some iron, buy some gas, go to the polls, but drive right past. Paint your nails, fry an egg, buy some clothes, don't make me beg, ski the Alps, buy a goat, just don't water down my vote!

Okay??? Now go out there next Tuesday and do the right thing and don't vote!