Mad Libbing Your Way to Success

What do you think is the number one fear expressed by American adults? Terrorism? Crime? Big hairy spiders? Another Clinton in the White House? No, surprisingly it's public speaking. That's right, American adults would rather be lowered into a cobra pit in a cage, wearing pajamas, sitting on Richard Simmons' lap than get up in front of an audience and speak. Present company excluded of course--I can speak authoritatively on any subject and never shrink from the opportunity to do so. But let's say you found yourself in the unenviable position of having to do some public speaking, perhaps at a business conference. Well have no fear, Bruck to the rescue! In addition to gimmicks like visualizing the audience wearing clothes, the best way to overcome the #1 fear is preparation - the best defense is a good offense. If you have a good speech to deliver, that's half the battle, and in today's dispatch, your faithful editor will make it really simple, and allow your fragile psyche to obsess on other, more interesting phobias.

First, some background:

Young David, Son of Bruck, featured prominently in this recent VOB on improper battery disposal, had a summer assignment to read and report on "Longitudes and Attitudes," a collection of columns by Thomas Friedman, a New York Times international correspondent who writes on the topic of world politics and culture. Young David poignantly observed that Mr. Friedman's columns read like Mad Libs. Mad Libs are pre-written story structures for which participants provide details by filling in blanks with key words - adjectives, verbs, or nouns, sometimes qualified, sometimes not - resulting in humorously absurd final stories. David offered that a typical Thomas Friedman column would read:

I recently returned from ____ (obscure Middle Eastern region or city), where I discovered that the people there are staunchly ____ (pro- or anti-) American, and we don't even know it! Just ____ (before or after) _____ (a traumatic event), I got an _____ (angry or enthusiastic) e-mail from my friend ____ (inscrutable middle eastern name) in _____ (above region), informing me of _____ (moving story). (And then go on to fill in the rest of the column with travelogue-type anecdotes.)

In that vein, I noted that the same type of generalization could be applied to the speakers at a conference on the subject of business process improvement I recently attended. Typical structure:

Start with a predictable audience-participation attention-getter - "How many of you watched ___ (TV show) last night? Let's see a show of hands…

I'm ____ (name), ____ (generous title), of ____ (company with a catchy name that nobody's ever heard of). We're the #1 ____ (producer/provider) of _____ (intangible product or service) in _____ (large geographic region >= continental US). We are headquartered in ___ (dull midwestern city) and have ____ (# > 10000) associates worldwide. Our customers include these companies (refer to list on powerpoint slide on screen which includes > 30 other obscure companies, in stylized logo typefaces).

When we embarked on _____ (name of a leadership/management initiative) in ____ (recent year), our strategy was to ____ (Launch into a lengthy, not completely sensible oration including the terms global, enterprise, targeted, engagement, leadership, leverage, gains, commitment, alignment, evolution). Our goal was to realize results of ____ (round # of $ in the 100 millions) by year ____ (2 or 3).

(Follow with windy, inscrutable discourse using lots of internal jargon and anecdotes of personal interactions with CEOs, referring to them by their first names. Continue talking about "lessons learned" including the words sustainable, maturing, culture, etc. Don't worry about making anything up - nobody will ever question your data.)

We captured ____ (# between 50 and 100) percent of the ____ (region at least as large as the one above) market in ____ (product or service possibly related to the one above).

Any questions? I've got time for ____ (#, 1 to 3) questions.

With just a few details that you provide, or even fabricate in real time, the next time your boss wants to send you out on the road, instead of committing hari-kari with the nearest sharp object, you can confidently say, "Boss, I'd be thrilled to represent our company at that business summit in Omaha. I'll even deliver the keynote address!"

Taming Lake Superior

The legend lives on from the Chippewa on down, of the big lake they called 'Gitchee Gumee'…"

The chilling words of Gordon Lightfoot's eulogy to the lost crew of the Edmund Fitzgerald seep into my consciousness whenever the Father of Bruck starts talking about sailing.

In the event that you get invited to sail with the FOB, my recommendation is that you repectfully decline. Or try to change the subject. Or fake appendicitis, whatever it takes, just don't go! If you are in need of sage advice, interesting conversation, help with plumbing, or would like to relax to a few nice classical pieces and standards played expressively on the piano, he's your go-to guy. But if you have a bad jones for a sailboat ride, I recommend exploring other options. Don't say I didn't warn you! If inextricable circumstances somehow compel you against my advice, do be sure to wear a lifejacket. A helmet and wet suit wouldn't be a bad idea either.

"The lake, it is said, never gives up her dead…"

There is something deep in man's spirit, some primordial instinct, that causes us on occasion to throw caution to the wind and take unwarranted and illogical risks. Take Steve Fossett, the "millionaire adventurer" whose plane crashed and apparently is now missing somewhere in the Nevada mountains or desert. Or John Denver in his ultralight. Or the lawn chair balloonist. Or people who cheat on their significant other. Or participants in "Xtreme" sports. I don't think I'd be too presumptuous to ask, what disproportionately risky behaviors have you indulged in lately? Well, the FOB's personal Mt. Everest seems to be sailing his 16' sloop in a full gale on Lake Superior.

I enjoy a good sail as much as the next guy, even more so, but here's my personal protocol for when to sail, vs. that of the FOB:

Windsock hanging limp:
Bruck: take the kids tubing
FOB: head into town for some racquetball

Windsock at 45 degree angle:
Bruck: good day for sailing
FOB: good day to putter around in the backyard

Windsock horizontal:
Bruck: sailing could be a little dicey
FOB: let's raise the sail in case the wind picks up

Windsock long since torn off, soaring over the the next county; support post bending in the wind:
Bruck: nailing plywood over the front windows
FOB: who's up for a little boat ride?

I succumbed to the above temptation a few years ago. I will concede that it was a pretty exciting ride, right up until the rudder broke off. The rudder is a key element in the locomotion of a sailboat. It's not so much like the steering wheel of a car, the loss of which would render it inoperable but not necessarily produce a catastrophe. It's more like losing a wing from an airplane - you're going down. And we did. No injuries, TG, but the boat wasn't so fortunate. It did a lateral 360, breaking the mast on the lake floor, snapping and ripping out cables in the process. Water pressure ripped the sail and broke some lines, and about the only part that didn't need repair or replacement was the tiller. We held onto the wreckage and drifted in for a bit until a guy on shore noticed us and gave us a ride in on his jet ski. We collected the remains of the boat the next day.

"When suppertime came, the old cook came on deck sayin' fellas, it's too rough ta feed ya…"

One inauspicious summer day prior to that, coincidentally Father's Day, the FOB took his young friend Jared out for a sail. Jared is, or at least was, in the US Coast Guard, and was embarking on his first sailboat ride. They were just getting started on a three-mile run from the marina at the Bay Mills Casino to the cabin on the shore near Brimley, MI, when a gust from behind caught them off-guard and tipped them over. Jared suggested swimming to shore, but the FOB correctly averred that someone would come out and help them out. A pontoon boat came along and taxied the wet sailors the rest of the way to the cabin. Young Jared probably also knew that they would be picked up anon; we suspect that his interest in swimming back was to avoid the humiliation of being rescued by his fellow sailors in the Coast Guard. Although it was his first ride, young Jared was not daunted by the experience; he went on to get his own sailboat, and learn to drive it.

"At seven p.m. the main hatchway caved in, he said fellas, it's been good ta know ya…"

On another occasion, this past summer, the FOB and his friend Steve went out for a little afternoon sail, captured in the pic above, taken from the shore by young Ben, nephew of Bruck. In this instance, it was neither mechanical failure nor imperfect helmsmanship that caused the capsize, but adverse conditions. The FOB claims that his craft was bowled over by a 90 foot wave, but we suspect he was exaggerating - it was probably more like 40 or 50 feet. Actually it would not be entirely accurate to say that both the FOB and Steve were capsized; Steve had actually gone overboard beforehand. Fortunately, there were no injuries or lawsuits; the only casualties were the FOB's ugly hat and sunglasses (not to worry - he has plenty more!).

"They might have split up or they might have capsized; They may have broke deep and took water…"

Just a couple of weeks ago marked the occasion of the fourth keel inversion that the FOB is admitting to. On a relatively calm day, he took his grandson's friend Jeff out for a ride. He handed Jeff the tiller (we're not sure to what extent Jeff knew what to do with it), and promptly went over. Again, fortunately, no injuries nor damage, and they were able to pull the boat to shore, drain some water, and sail the rest of the way back. Unfortunately for Jeff, this was immediately before his ride back to Detroit, which he then had to take in wet clothes. He was still damp when he arrived home after the 6-hour car ride, prompting his mother to ask, "What happened, did you fall in the lake?"

So, dear FOB, since your birthday's coming up, and we always ask what do you buy for a man who has everything, I found the perfect gift for you on e-bay: magnetic Chinese Checkers. That way, next time you and your friends are looking for something to do outdoors in a full gale, you now have a safer option!