Voice of Bruck News Service

Copyright 2006-present the Voice of Bruck News Service, content may be reproduced with attribution for non-commercial purposes, all other rights reserved. <-- That means you can copy any part of my blog without asking permission, as long as you give me credit and are not profiting from my work. I do ask that you notify me if you use my material.

Want e-mail notices of new entries? E-mail me (address on profile page).

Sunday, March 22, 2009

Back, by Popular Demand!

The previous entry from young David, Son of Bruck, generated rave reviews, so he's back, and IMHO, stronger than ever! Please join me in welcoming young David back to the VOB, as we enjoy another of his high school writing assignments, the current one requiring the students to write "rules" for the "religion" of Transcendentalism.

Survival in
a painfully
oppressive
society

A handbook of life’s rules to maintain a simple existence in accordance with transcendentalist principles.

By David --------
Period 5
February 15, 2009


RULE I

When traveling, take the scenic route to your destination.

It is very important to transcendentalists to take time from the pressures and complexities of life to enjoy the simplicity and comfort that can be found in nature. This is one of the main transcendentalist principles.



RULE II

If it is a matter of life or death, provide an organ transplant to someone you love.

Transcendentalists strongly believe in placing the lives of those you love above yourself. In this example, you are giving life to someone you love at an inconvenience to yourself.



RULE III

Do not create graffiti on the sides of public buildings

For transcendentalists, everything is interconnected. You are everything, you are everyone, you are god. The simple act of defacing a building connects back to you, so you are in fact spraying obscenities on yourself, as well as god.



RULE IV

Never worry about remembering things that you learn in school.

Knowledge and wisdom cannot be gained from a
book. In a book, one learns about knowledge and wisdom, and it has yet to be gained. To really learn, one must experience these things.






RULE V

Park on the wrong side of the road.

People should govern themselves. How can you
demonstrate that the government does not control you? The answer is simple. You should disobey the rules you disagree with. This does not mean that transcendentalists believe you should be able to smuggle serial murdering, drug-dealing, reckless driving illegal immigrants across the border. This only falls under the category of “civil disobedience.”


RULE VI

Avoid winning arguments because you are too prideful to admit a mistake.

Transcendentalists crave simplicity. One should never complicate the truth by being prideful and wrong.





RULE VII

Adopt a dog

If you are one with everything, nature, god, and people, it only make sense that you should be nice to everything. In this example, you are adopting a dog.






RULE VIII

Dress like a homeless person—unless the “homeless look” is in style.

Paying attention to how you dress is a very bad idea. Transcendentalists believe that you should never conform to society’s standards. In this case you are ignoring the standard of how society believes that you should present yourself.




RULE IX

Go camping at least once a year.

There is much beauty and peace to be found in nature, you should take a break every year and visit it for many reasons. In nature you can find peace, happiness, simplicity, and genuine goodness.




RULE X

Shut your eyes as you walk through the city.

For transcendentalists, city life and the complications that arise from it are poison. You should always avoid being influenced by the ways of city life.




RULE XI

Use clothes and style magazines as a template for how you should not live your life.

The one core transcendentalist principle is: CONFORMITY IS POISON.







RULE XII

Don’t bother checking if you received correct change after a transaction.

According to transcendentalists, human beings inherently have good intentions and they are good at the core. It should be assumed that someone did not rip you off.


RULE XIII

NEVER litter.

Littering goes against multiple transcendental beliefs. First of all, you should never destroy nature because it is a sacred thing. You should not litter because you are littering on everything if you litter on the ground.




RULE XIV

Do not become angry if your significant other cheats on you.

You should always put the lives of others you love above yourself. If that person loves someone else, you should support that without any fight and let them move on with their lives.



RULE XV

Learn how to “rough it” and survive on your own without the protective bubble of society.

Living off the land is one skill that most will never need in their lives. Transcendentalists, however, believe that this is important because you can be self-reliant and tougher than wimpy people from the city.

Sunday, March 01, 2009

Fire Kills Dog; Goat Lives


Whatever you do, please don't put anything religious on my gravestone. I really think that honor should go to a very select few whose lives were wholly dedicated to religious pursuits; for the rest of us, it just seems a bit presumptuous, don't you think?

The newspaper article that loans its headline to today's dispatch appeared on the front page of the Friday, 27 February, 2009 issue of the News and Messenger, the newspaper of record for central Prince William County, Virginia. And a pathetic newspaper it is, but that's not the topic of today's missive. Today's topic is what to put on Bruck's gravestone, which of course is germaine only to those of you lucky enough to outlive me. So far we have:

Bruck
1963 - 20xx

The last two digits of the year are blank of course, and assuming the Aztecs simply ran out of space, or perhaps grew tired of writing a calendar for the civilizations that would vastly outlive them, we can hope the last two digits are greater than 12. I figure it's safe to use "20" as the first two digits of my final year; unless some clever foodologist figures out how to make the perfect antioxidant, probiotic, vitamin-enriched pork rind, I'm not expecting to survive this century. In fact, getting halfway through it would certainly beat the odds.

You can read the MJM news article about the lucky goat and not-so-lucky dog at:

http://www.insidenova.com/isn/news/crime/article/one_hurt_in_house_fire/30766/,

that is, as long as they maintain it there, which I doubt will be long once an actual editor reads it.

T'hey changed the title a bit from the printed version. I invite you to slog through the whole article, and if your reading comprehension level is similar to mine, it will take about three readings to get some idea of what actually happened. I will only excerpt the article, partially in deference to "fair use," but also to dispel any impression that I would write such dreck myself.

My favorite line from the article was the opening statement:

Rhonda D. (recall, I don't ID people w/o their permission in the VOBNS - see the actual article for the whole name) said that if her father hadn’t already passed away before Christmas, the Thursday morning fire at his home near Lake Jackson would have killed him.

My first thought was, well, good thing he died before Christmas, otherwise he would have, wait a minute, never mind…

The article goes on to relate how the house started burning at around 9:00 a.m. when Rhonda's daughter was getting on the school bus. Apparently the FD was summoned, as was Rhonda herself from Maryland, and a valiant attempt was made to save the menagerie which included three dogs and a goat. It's not totally clear who made this attempt, although the article did note that an aunt, Rhonda's sister, also named Rhonda, just kidding, but the bus driver was named Rhonda, required treatment for injuries sustained while attempting to save the animals, so we know at least that the aunt was involved.

It then states that, "In the end, the 6-year-old did get on the bus and go to school." What??? So let me get this straight, the girl is waiting for the school bus, it pulls up, opens its doors, the girl looks over her shoulder with dismay as flames and smoke billow from the windows of her house, and during the few seconds it takes to ascend the school bus steps, the FD arrives, her aunt cuts her hands trying to save the housepets, and mom comes screeching in from Maryland, while the last embers of the house float skyward as the three surviving animals look on.

And in the understatement of the year, Rhonda observes, "You can’t just easily fix this."

I guess not. There are more confusing details in the article, like who lived where, etc., but one that caught my eye was, "Smoke continued to billow from a pile of charred debris in the front yard long after the fire was extinguished." A debris pile in the front yard, hmmm. Was it deposited there as a result of the blaze, or as a result of attempting to extinguish the blaze, or was there a debris pile in the front yard prior to the fire (this is Prince William County, and we are talking about a household with a pet goat)? If so, did it catch fire as a result of the house fire, or was it a separate but coincident fire? With no information as to the cause of the house fire, we're left to assume meteor strike, so likely as not there may have been other nearby fires as well.

The first thing to keep in mind, in considering a suitable epitaph, is that whatever you put there is strictly for the benefit of the survivors; the stiff probably won't even get to read it. And Big Guy Upstairs certainly is not going to be fooled or persuaded by any false piety you put there. Jesus Christ Himself exposed the futility of trying to "reach back" from the grave in the parable of Lazarus and the rich man, which I'm sure you remember from Sunday School; if not, see the Gospel of Luke, chapter 16.

What would be appropriate to put on one's gravestone anyway? I like to think it should reflect something positive the departed managed to accomplish in life, or at least provide some information that survivors might find useful, like if he/she was a veteran, or a parent, or held some esteemed position in society or business. But not necessarily… it's still (just barely) a free country, you know!

There was a follow-on article the next day, by the same author (!), about the beleagured pet and former home owner. Some more facts come into focus, including that two cats also succumbed, and the mother is now named Dolores (maybe she has always been named Dolores) and has a potentially fatal illness, no wait a minute, two: osteomyelitis and brain cancer. The article clears up the timeline somewhat, but balances this with even more contradictions and inexplicable circumstances for the reader to ponder. This journalistic masterpiece can be found at:

http://www.insidenova.com/isn/news/local/article/after_loss_of_home_woman_faces_serious_diagnosis/30934/.

BTW, I saved a text version of these articles locally in case they disappear from the news site; e-mail me if you need them.

The author states that Delores, whose name will probably change again in the next article, provided information about Denise the goat: "Originally purchased and cared for by her late father, Denise loves to eat Pop-Tarts."

Practically speaking, one can direct one's survivors to write whatever they want on a gravestone. I kind of like the idea of putting something there to make my successors scratch their heads and wonder, kind of like what I did after reading these two articles. So here's what I just decided I want on my gravestone:

Bruck
Fire Kills Dog; Goat Lives
1963 - 20xx