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Thursday, April 02, 2009

The Cruelest Month… Also the Busiest!

Did you know that April is Jazz Appreciation Month? Well it is. They said so.

It's also usually the month when we observe/celebrate the death, burial, and resurrection of the Lord and Savior, Creator, and final Judge of all mankind Jesus Christ by by hiding eggs from children and eating chocolate rabbits and honeybaked ham with cloves and pineapple rings.

And of course if April contains Easter, it usually also contains Good Friday, Palm Sunday, and Holy Thursday (aka Maundy Thursday, Maundy being one of the most awkward-sounding words in the English language: say the word Maundy several times in rapid succession and you'll quickly understand, if not share my contempt for it).

And who could forget the silliest day of the year, April 1st, the birthday of a lovely little niece of Bruck in Georgia (LLNOBIG) but known to the rest of us as April Fool's Day? For my April Fool's joke this year, I had one of my colleagues in Hawaii convinced, for about 17 milliseconds, that his department was going to be transferred to Alaska.

As I'm sure you'll agree, there's an unmistakeable symmetry to the fact that April is Sexual Assault Awareness Month, IBS (look it up) Awareness Month, Alcohol Awareness Month, Genocide Prevention Month, and National Welding Month.

April happens to be the month for awareness of quite a lot of things - I hope you don't expect to get much sleep! More things that April has been designated as the month to be aware of:
Autism
Emotional Overeating (sign me up!)
Parkinson's
Rosacea (suffered by an estimate 45 million people worldwide - be aware!)
Cesarean (the birth procedure, not the salad dressing)
Pet First Aid (for or by, they didn't say)
Workplace Conflict (only you can prevent forest fires)
Stress

Not only do we have to do a lot of awareing, we are also compelled to do a fair piece of observing in April as well. In addition to Jazz and Welding, please join me in observing:
International Guitar Month
Amateur Radio Month
Firearms Appreciation Month
(haha just kidding, every month is firearms appreciation month)
National Anxiety Month (as if we need encouragement here)
National Mathematics Month (the other white meat)
National Poetry Month (pronounced poyetry)
National Garden Month
African American Women's Fitness Month (can't blame this one on George Bush)
Women's Eye Health & Safety Month (but you can blame this one on Dick Cheney)
School Library Media Month
National Pecan Month (wonder who came up with that one?)
National Child Abuse Prevention Month
Car Care Month
Fresh Florida Tomatoes Month

And my personal favorite: April is National DNA & Genomics & Stem Cell Education & Awareness Month. Can you imagine sitting in a meeting of the committee of hypersensitive psuedo-intellectual idealogue navel gazers that came up with that one? Can you imagine taking their lunch order?

There are certain events, circumstances, and conditions that require substantially more focus and therefore the observance of same must be condensed to a one-week period. Playground Safety, for example. Since you've probably been wondering, April contains National Playground Safety Week. Other "Weeks" in April:
Sky Awareness (how could you not be, …never mind)
Cowboy Poetry (culminating in a field trip to Brokeback Mountain)
WOC Nurses
(WOC stands for Wound, Ostomy, and Continence
- I bet they wash their hands a lot)
National Paperboard Packaging Week
(not quite sure how to celebrate this - spend a week at Walmart?)
Medication Safety Week
National Window Safety Week
National Women's Nutrition Week
Administrative Professional Week
National Women's Administrative Professional Nutrition Window Safety Week
(just kidding!)
Testicular Cancer Awareness Week
Egg Salad Week

Other phenomena are so singularly important, so moving, so utterly poignant, that to celebrate them for more than one day would cause emotional overload and possible blindness. What are we talking about? We're talking about Children with Alopecia Day. We're talking about Pet Owners' Independence Day. Yes, April has these Days and many more:
World Hemophelia Day
World Book and Copyright Day (that's on the 23rd - I can't wait!)
Hairstylists Appreciation Day
(which fortunately is not during National Window Safety Week)
Richter Scale Day
DNA Day
Take Our Daughters and Sons to Work Day (sons grudgingly included)
Malaria Awareness Day
And we won't let Mrs. Bruck forget Husband Appreciation Day!

And you were thinking April was going to be dull. Just look at all the things you have to pay attention to, observe, appreciate, and pay homage to! Better get started right away!

But Bruck, aren't you forgetting something? Isn't there one particular day you're omitting that has taken on a new significance since you started working for Uncle Sam? Au contraire, mein freund, I haven't forgotten anything, just saving the best for last! If you are in the running for a cabinet post in the zero administration, or if you just want to do your civic duty and keep Bruck in steady supply of woodcut portraits of dead presidents, don't forget that April 15th is Pay Your Taxes Day!

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